It’s not easy letting your child fend for herself. Even though I’m a firm believer in letting kids take ownership of their academic and extracurricular choices, they live in a world where many adults don’t share this belief.
This week, my daughter began 8th Grade, her final year at a small, private school that truly supports child-led learning. And with the first week of school came the annual ritual of selecting which extracurricular activities she could comfortably add to her schedule.
Teen Daughter chose to continue with harp lessons, fencing, Girl Scouts, and she is looking forward to joining the ski team for the Winter season. Tae Kwon Do was also on her wish list, but I think she’s holding off on that as this will be a demanding year, with her first NY Regents tests at the end of it all.
At the top of her wish list was a desire to take the Afterschool Circus Class with a friend. She had been really looking forward to this class, and had spent much time reviewing her activity schedule during the summer to ensure that she would be able to include it. Unfortunately, the school switched the day on which this class is offered, putting it at the same time as her harp lessons.
Schedule Conflict – The Bane of Students Everywhere
At some point, every student encounters a class schedule conflict, and must figure out how to deal with it. As a parent, I could choose to handle these problems for my daughter, but that would have cost her a valuable learning experience.
Together, we called her harp teacher to see if there were any openings at a more convenient time, and there was one on Monday mornings during school hours. Again, I could’ve just said no to missing school for harp lessons. Or, I could’ve taken the harp teacher’s advice to contact the principal myself to request that my daughter miss school for this “extraordinary opportunity.” I was strongly advised that this is not a matter that should be handled by a child.
Instead, I allowed my daughter to advocate for herself. We arranged for a meeting with her principal, and I listened while my daughter rehearsed her request. I gave her some feedback on how to present her case, but mainly I just let her say what she wanted to say.
During the meeting, I quietly sat next to her, backing her up, but letting her take the lead. Her principal listened respectfully, asking pertinent questions, and showing that she took her request seriously. At the end of the meeting, she vowed to confer with the affected teachers to see if they would be able to accommodate her request.
Afterwards, the principal determined that it would not be possible to condone missing so many classes, but she offered to try to change the Circus Class schedule for the following semester.
At the end of this experience, my daughter was happy with the result. It’s never too early to learn that you can’t do everything, but at least she is in charge of these choices. She decided which extracurricular activities would stay on her schedule, including committing to Harp Lessons and the associated daily practice, without being pressured into anything. Most importantly, this experience forced her to decide what was important to her; what was worth fighting for passionately, and what was not.
I’m glad that she spoke up, and was listened to, when she encountered a problem. She didn’t get what she thought she wanted, but she got what she needed.
Through this process, Teen Daughter had the opportunity to grow a little more independent, to become the strong individual that she is promising to be. Next year, she’ll enter high school with a few more weapons in her arsenal, and the confidence to use them.
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